The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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