girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
