I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
