I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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