You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
