is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
