I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
