if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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