i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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