I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
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