I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
