I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
