shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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