All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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