Swine flu is the new snow day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
