New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Randomize
