I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention