I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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