Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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