Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
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Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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