I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
