I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
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