Welp...herpes.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
