We're facebook friends in real life
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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