tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
