i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
