I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
