All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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