so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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