I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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