So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
