Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
