I skipped work to stalk him.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
