I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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