Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
