Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
