Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
