What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
