I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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