Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
