I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
