i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something