u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
