fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
