I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
