BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
do nipples grow back?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
