I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
