i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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