Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He has the fingertips of a God
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