Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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