Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
