Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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