I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
