They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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