I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
