Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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