You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I can't turn off my feet"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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